Infocus: with creative Chi San Wan
Image by Anouk Nitsche
“We made a leap of faith in moving countries again, leaving comforts and security behind, hoping we’d land softly. I feel like we are still falling, and it’s been a bumpy ride.”
Chi San Wan is mother to Marloe (6) and Maggie (20 months). A multidisciplinary creative, she currently lives with her two girls and partner Alex in the county of South Yorkshire. After a decade of working as a stylist, she transitioned into the wellness sector, co-founding an almond milk company called the Pressery in London. A published author, she then (with her collaborator) went on to co-write a book " A simple Table". Now deep in the season of parenting, Chi is stepping into a new dawn of herself. The daughter of immigrants, Chi discusses her ancestry, how she supports her health and a little insight into her life. This was fitting and sentimental to see in the Chinese Lunar New Year. Here’s to the year of the Rabbit bringing us longevity, health and patient energy.
Image by Iringó Demeters
Tell us about your ancestry.
My parents are both from Hong Kong. Their parents (my grandparents) came over to the UK when HK was a British Colony. They left their jobs in the HK army, teaching and also farming, looking for a better life and security for the future of their children. My grandparents settled in the North of England and my parents met in Manchester. Both sides of the family can be traced back to Guangzhou, a city in China, northwest of Hong Kong. Like many Chinese immigrants, they found work in a foreign country in restaurant kitchens or as waiting staff. Both sides of the family have owned and run their own Chinese takeaways. In recent years, I have come to realise the immigrant intergenerational trauma that we hold inside of us. I feel there is a lot to unpack, now more than ever, having had children of my own, and I am on my own journey with this.
Your current interests. What you are obsessed with learning or unlearning about.
I feel like everyone is a student of life, and there is always more to learn. I’m a Gemini Sun and Rising, Capricorn Moon and Manifesting Generator, so I am always following what lights me up and going down rabbit holes of learning. I used to stick to one book until I finished it, but nowadays I can have about 5 books going on and pick up whichever one calls to me at that particular time. I am THAT person that has a million tabs open, and I pivot in conversations because my brain is overwhelmed (full of tabs too). I find life increasingly a state of learning and unlearning, and my interests ebbs and flows as much as my mood. But it’s safe to say that consistently, I am exploring (and trying to practice) radical rest - especially in the season of Winter of which we’re in, in the Northern Hemisphere. I am also interested in the impact of intergenerational trauma of immigrants, we are slow schooling (Marloe and Maggie are unschooled), and I am passionate about birthwork. I believe that feeling truly supported and seen during pregnancy, birth, postpartum and parenthood, can liberate the next generation of the healing journey that we are going through, and they can get on with saving the world. No small feat.
Three words that describe your first birth.
Amazing. Wild. Held.
Three words that describe your second birth.
Connected. Affirming. Supported.
What’s the most surprising thing you’ve gained since becoming a mother?
A fire and rage I have never experienced before. It crept up on me and I surprised myself. Having spoken to a few other mothers about it, it seems normal to have an inner rage that only came with motherhood. Sometimes it scares me, other times I try and welcome it as my inner child telling me what still needs to be seen and accepted. The rage is there to help us, it’s like holding up a mirror to yourself. You can’t escape it.
You nurture and support your daughters every day. Who, or what, supports you?
In this current season of our lives, it feels like it’s every man for themselves. We technically don’t have our own home, 80% of our lives are in storage, we are in limbo. We made a leap of faith in moving countries again, leaving comforts and security behind, hoping we’d land softly. I feel like we are still falling, and it’s been a bumpy ride. My partner Alex and I try and support one another as much as humanly possible, but the reality is we rarely get a chance to speak with one another without a child interrupting us. I think I’ve been in fight or flight mode since we moved countries, so I try and find my anchors during the day. This can look different every day. Sometimes it’s making sure I have time for pilates or a walk in nature, sometimes it’s tracking down a morning bun or watching Netflix. My (mostly) non-negotiables are breathwork / meditation before bed, early bedtime, and hot water lemon with added extras depending what I feel my body needs in the morning. I’ve had to learn to support myself when I feel overwhelmed, overstimulated and tight-chested, I know I have to take some time out for myself so I can be a better mother, partner, human. When I feel in need of extra support, I do seek out acupuncture or reiki to help shift the energy. Usually, for me, it’s stagnant Qi and I need help with moving it.
Can you identify any of your unique traits in your kids?
Quite early on I realised Marloe was a highly sensitive child, a trait I had only realised I was myself not long before, having been labeled as oversensitive, an empath and / or cry baby all my life. It all made sense and felt good that I wasn’t just being a wuss. Maggie was born the day after my birthday, so she is also a Gemini, as well as being born under the same Chinese Zodiac as me, the Ox. She definitely knows what she wants and won’t settle for ‘no’ once her mind is made up (fixated). She is also very sensitive to others around her and Alex says she has the same expressive eyebrows and emotive facial expressions as me.
Do you feel like creativity and matrescence are inextricably linked?
Yes and no. I think women are, and have always been, creative. We’ve had to be over the evolution of time, due to the disadvantages we face in a white male-dominated world. I think motherhood is a sort of rebirth - it cracks you open and makes you look inside. The creativity comes from within - it was always there. Subsequent births will allow you to look even deeper if you dare.
What advice you’d tell your former maiden self?
This is a hard one. Because if I were to advise my former maiden self, perhaps I wouldn’t be where I am today. And though the last year has been hard and had me questioning everything, who would I be if not this person now? Perhaps, I would reassure my former maiden self. I would tell her to trust her intuition everytime, that a new earth is possible, and it’s on its way. Hold on.
Follow Chi’s journey here.